04.01.15 | TWO MONTHS

two weeks ago, on the oregon coast

two months. it's been one day shy of two months since i last posted on here. i don't really know why. i haven't been any busier than normal really. and it's not like i haven't been taking pictures like i usually do. but for some reason, i just haven't felt the urge to come on here and update regularly. i don't know, maybe it'll come back. (and really, i hope that feeling does come back because i really like having this blog/diary for myself and hopefully for my kids too, to look back over the years at what we've done.)

anyway, now it's april, and with april comes lots and lots of rain. we've been pretty lucky already this spring, with more sun than normal. but with that, comes lots of rain, too. one day it's gorgeous out and you're wearing shorts and the next day the clouds are black and it's raining buckets. oh well, that's oregon for ya. (by the way, at this very moment it's POURING outside and my idiot of a dog is refusing to come in. like, he's going to be completely soaked to the bone out there. as if he's just come out of a lake or something. NOT looking forward to that. ugh.)

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i feel like i have all of these thoughts floating around in my head, wanting to get out, but when i put my fingers to the keyboard, nothing happens. it's like all of those thoughts get lost in the process of formulating proper sentences and stuff. maybe it's the 'mom-brain' that's causing it? maybe i'm being over-stimulated from social media? maybe i'm comparing myself to other people in blogland and i'm feeling that my blog is inadequate? maybe it's because i've missed a couple days of my meds and the weather has been pretty grey and i haven't slept that well? maybe i've got too much stuff i'm doing at one time and my brain feels pulled in all different directions? maybe my brain feels like it's not doing enough and it's getting dumber every day? (hah, that's probably not it but some days it sure feels like it.) i'm not sure what it is but whatever. i'll get it all figured out at some point.

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so last month it was the anniversary of my brother's death. 12 years. that seems completely unreal. on his birthday in february, i got all of my immediate family together and we went out to dinner and had mexican food. i put a lot of pressure on myself to eat a taco salad for dinner on the night of his birthday every year. and then on the anniversary of his death, i put a lot of pressure on myself to go to the coast to commemorate him and what he meant to me. (the week after chad died, my dad took me to the coast for a couple of days. i'll never forget that and i've tried to replicate it every year since.) this year, i didn't eat a taco salad and i didn't go to the coast. it kills me to write that. it makes me feel like i didn't honor him and his life at all. and i know that's not true, i think about him practically every single day, in a lot of different ways. but it still hurts and i still experience a lot of guilt from not doing it.

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landon turns four in just 12 days. TWELVE. i'm in the midst of getting his party all ready, planning where i'm going to put the decorations so it looks like nickelodeon threw up octonauts in here, worrying that the specialized cake pops i ordered won't get here in time for his party, etc, etc, etc. planning parties is so much fun for me but man, it's also a lot of work. especially when i'm also trying to figure out if pre-school is going to work for landon this year or not. (we've got registration this friday and i'm slightly freaking out about it.) we had a meeting on monday and we all fell in love with the teachers and everything they do there. i know it will be really good for him - now it's just a matter of figuring out the schedules and if that's all going to work out or not. 

also, why does landon all of a sudden refuse to go to bed at night? it's a struggle every single night and it's killing me. almost every night ends up with him in tears because he's not getting his way. like last night, we had plans for him to sleep in the tent that i built for him in his room but of course, he was being a little turd and got that taken away from him. so a melt down ensued and then i end up feeling like an awful person because my kid is crying right before bed again. any tips on getting him to go to bed like normal again?

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i'm slowly (very slowly) but surely cleaning every square inch of my house, day by day. i figure that once i do everything, it'll be time to start all over again. i've seen those cleaning schedules on pinterest and i've thought about adopting one of those ideas but then i don't really like following "rules". so i'm just cleaning what i feel like cleaning, when i feel like it. and by cleaning, i mean the deep cleaning stuff. i sweep/vacuum/dishes on a regular basis, duh. it's the scrubbing under things and cleaning cabinets and baseboards and all that stuff that doesn't seem like regular cleaning. should it be though?

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we sold landon's old crib and the changing table this last weekend. that feels weird, knowing that we're slowly getting rid of all of the baby stuff. it's sad, actually, not having any use for it anymore. i know there are lots of other moments that are going to happen that will be just as good and fun as the baby stages but it's also really sad knowing that we'll never be bringing a newborn baby home with us again or having our baby sleep curled up on our chest. but then it's also nice knowing that we won't have to sleep-train another baby or worry about diaper blow-outs and things like that. so i guess it's not all bad?

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i had cosmetic surgery done at the end of february. it's something i've been wanting to do for FOREVER and i finally had the means and opportunity to do it. i'm feeling more like myself now, and at the same time, not. i mean, i can just about do everything that i used to be able to do but i'm still supposed to limit what i do with my upper body. picking up the kids is still supposed to be done minimally, no arm exercises (like i'm even exercising, hah!), i still can't fully extend my arms up so reaching the tops of the window shades or readjusting the shower head is difficult, stuff like that. i've been picking up and holding claire more and more and as much as i'm enjoying it, my body isn't. i've been pretty sore over the past couple of days and i think that's the reason why. but i'm feeling more comfortable every day, so that's nice.

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in february i also turned 29 and with it, i've started to take care of myself a little more. like i'm washing the makeup off my face every single day (which i had a hard time remembering/wanting to do before), i'm flossing my teeth more regularly, drinking more water on a daily basis, protecting my hair more, yadda yadda yadda. c; i've also become quite obsessed with youtube makeup artists, especially jaclyn hill (seriously, watch her. she's amazing.) and have started a collection of grown-up makeup. i bought my first MAC purchase ever a couple months ago and man oh man, the difference good makeup makes! the first time i put some MAC eyeshadow on, using some professional makeup brushes mind you, the eyeshadow was so dark! it's amazing how much better the pigmentation and coverage is on good quality products. a little goes a long way, that's for sure. so of my current favorites, in case you're wondering: buttercup lipstick, buttercream lip gloss, matte cruella lip pencillumiere lippie stix, and MAC pro-longwear concealer. also, if you're looking for professional makeup brushes with a good price, look no further than sigma brushes or morphe. and while you're at sigma, you should just get their brow powder. it's awesome. yeah, i'm only slightly obsessed. but it's fun!

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i feel like there's lots more i want to say and at the same time, not much at all. maybe i'll get back to posting more frequently soon. or maybe i won't be back here for another couple months. who knows? 

i'm not proof-reading this post.
sorry if there's any errors.
c;





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thanks for the input!