i feel like that photo up there sums up our last few weeks perfectly: exhausting. is that the right word? i'm not even sure. the last three or so weeks, for me, have just been, for lack of a better word - ugh. i don't know if we haven't gotten back to where we should be emotionally since justin's grandmother passed away or what. it's been rough, to say the least.

i'm not sure i mentioned it on here yet or not so i'll say it now anyway - justin started a new position at work a few weeks ago. he is now the crisis supervisor for the mental health department in linn county. it's a very important job and i'm so proud of him for doing it. he has taken on A LOT more responsibility with this position and it feels like he's working nonstop. he's essentially on call 24 hours a day because if any of his staff have questions or the hospitals can't get ahold of the person that is actually on-call, they call justin. since this new position started, i'd say he's averaging at least one call per day when he's home with us. that is taking quite a bit of getting used to for me. we went to omsi one day last month and he got a call that he was on for, i don't know, an hour? that was really frustrating because he doesn't get all that much time with the kids anyway, and for him to have to be away from them when we're doing something fun together and on a work call is just plain hard. and then it just feels like there's added pressure from me too, when he's home, because who knows if he's gonna get a call and when he does, it's on me to keep the kids as quiet as i can, or basically just be on my own with them again. so sometimes it feels like i'm just doing everything by myself with the kids, every day, all day long. and i know that's not the case; i know i'm not alone and he's not working all the time and when he is here he's THE BEST help i can get and i'm so grateful for him. it's just, different. 

and then to continue with more reasons why life has been exhausting: claire's still sleeping horribly. i know it's most likely my fault in how we tried to sleep-train her and then i kept reading articles that were pro-crying and then articles that were pro-attachment and i could see the pros and cons to both sides and just got overwhelmed and yada yada yada, here we are. she wakes up anywhere from one to four times from 730pm to midnight. and from there, who knows what's going to happen. sometimes it's once, sometimes it's every single hour. and this last weekend justin had a procedure done that prevented him from lifting anything and so that left me to tend to claire all night long. and if you know me, then you know if i don't get good sleep, i am a horrible person (well, my mood is pretty horrible. i think i'm still a good person. c;). so there's that.

sure, get her in a carseat and she'll sleep like it's her job

and fall is finally here. i know everyone seems to be super excited about wearing pants and sweaters and boots and all that jazz but i'm totally a late-spring, all-summer-long type of gal. i need that sunshine in my life in order to be happy. and who wants to shave their legs in the morning and by noon have their legs be all prickly again? i sure don't. then there's all the rain. so much rain. it really gets me down. and the rainy season lasts way too long here in the valley. ugh. i mean really, the only good thing about fall is the colors of the trees and getting our family pictures taken for christmas cards. that, and being able to turn on the fireplace again. but muddy footprints because ripley's an idiot and refuses to let me wipe him off and being stuck inside pretty much all day? yeah, that i can do without. oh, and i guess football is back. so there's that.

hm, what else can i talk about here. so most of you know that landon has mentioned having a "ghost" in his room that talks to him and is scary and all that stuff that is associated with ghosts.  and we have no clue how he even knows what a ghost is. so that's totally freaky. and then we have little things happen like the baby monitors cutting out (i know, that might be pretty common, but it happens A LOT), and a weird handprint on the back glass door that's outside and is too big/high up to be landon's and too small to be one of ours, and a balloon spinning in circles in our dining room and then randomly floating up the stairs and even though we put it in one corner of our loft (which is back in a little niche) it somehow gets out and stops directly in front of landon's room, just hovering there. so, who knows. it's concerning because landon talks about it all the time and it seems to be hindering his ability to sleep (and maybe that's why claire is sleeping well either?). i've got my fingers crossed it's my late brother or late aunt just checking in on us. 

and now back to me maybe over-sharing? as if i haven't already in this post. oh well. so, it's hard being a mom, right? i know i've got it easy when comparing myself to some other families out there but that doesn't make my life any easier in the moment, you know? maybe it's because landon is three and there are times where he just feels like he's not going to listen to anything. or maybe it's because claire is one and she can't quite share her emotions with us other than crying, and she cries a lot guys. or maybe it's that no matter how much i clean, it never seems like the house is actually clean or there's enough clean laundry for everyone. or maybe it's that i have to make three meals a day, every day, and when most of those meals aren't appreciated by two little ones (they can't really convey that, i get it) it just makes mealtimes that much more stressful. really, deciding, preparing and cleaning up meals are my least favorite times of the day. and sometimes i'll skip out on a meal myself just so there's one less plate to fill and then subsequently wash. or maybe it's being a one-car family and so we're stuck at home most days. or maybe it's just simply that i'm over-tired. who knows. all i know is that these last few weeks, i haven't felt like myself and definitely not proud of myself and the job i'm doing as a mom. it's just one of those seasons i guess. 

and now, (i've used the word "and" a record number of times in this post, i think) before i continue typing just for the sake of typing, i'm gonna log off. those dishes aren't gonna wash themselves, right? c;