it's past midnight and here i am, for the second night in a row, trying to get my sweet baby girl to sleep. it's not working so well.
i don't want to start out complaining here, really, that's not what i want at all. and i really don't want anyone to think that's what this blog is about - me complaining. that's not what this is. this is me documenting every part of motherhood, the good and the bad, because this is what i do: i journal. and i really really enjoy it. i'm trying really hard to enjoy all of these moments of motherhood but that's just it, it's hard. really hard.
i feel like a broken record sometimes too. i've talked about how hard motherhood is before and i'll probably talk about it more in the future but whatever. it's my blog and i can talk about whatever it is that i want to talk about, right? right.
so, claire can't figure out how to sleep, apparently. it's not like she's got her days and nights mixed up because she totally doesn't. it's more like she just doesn't want to miss out on anything? i don't know. whatever it is, it kind of blows. see, she doesn't really nap either. and not for lack of me trying. i mean sometimes she'll nap if i'm holding her or sometimes she'll fall asleep in her car seat and i'll just leave her in it until she wakes up an hour later or something and sometimes i get really lucky and she'll fall asleep on her own or next to me in bed but really, that's very very rare. and then there's the 8pm nap. it's the worst, really. and she does it every night, despite how hard we work to keep her up. even when i do a bedtime routine with her and just put her to bed at eight or close to it or something she still wakes up about two hours later WIDE AWAKE. and there's absolutely nothing we can do to get her to go back to sleep. and it's just plain stupid for justin to even try because apparently baby girl only wants her mama. because, ya know, having me all day just isn't enough. so i stay up with her, regardless of how tired i am because that's what you do as a mama, right?
after a while it gets real tiring though. the kind of tired where you have a nonstop headache that no amount of medication will help. the kind of tired where your whole body just feels so, i don't even know. the kind of tired where you really feel like not getting out of bed at all, ever again. it's just exhausting. and then i've got this wonderful human being of a husband that is always willing to help but i feel guilty even thinking of asking for help because he's the one that has to actually get up and GO to work and see people and make money and provide for us. i'm just at home.
and i'm not trying to downplay my role as a mom and what i do here because i know i do a lot it's just one of those things. it's hard to explain, i guess.
and then i look at her when she finally sleeps and as tired as i am, i feel happy. because i know that i am just what she needed: i comfort her. and that's a good feeling, despite the exhaustion.
and then there's the other kiddo to think about and feel guilty for not being fully there, ya know? i mean, there's only so much energy left to give when one kid drains the majority of it out. but then even more energy is wasted on feelings of guilt and not being the best mama to him. and so the cycle continues. over and over and over, like a broken record. and gosh.
i'm just tired. that's it. one day soon, these days of feeling so tired will be behind me. until then, i'll just have to remind myself of the little things: i've got a wonderful, supportive partner in this crazy parenting ride and the two best kids i could have ever asked for. and i'm giving them everything i have to give. and i think that's enough. i hope.
please, thanks for listening.
this wasn't written in hopes of getting "help" or input.
this month we're really figuring out this sleep-training stuff with claire.
fingers crossed we're successful.