so i hate this. like really, i do. i'm sure a lot of moms feel this way at one point in their lives or another but lately, i've been feeling this a lot.
guilt. it blows.
it's probably one of the worst feelings to feel. and i've felt all the feelings. this one takes the cake for me. i think it's because when i am dealing with guilt, it feels like all of the negative feelings are all joining together and ganging up on me. it's like sad, doubtful, ashamed, pathetic, inferior and fatigued all decided to have a party and not invite happiness, confident, energetic or sunny. then the bad feelings tell the good feelings about how great a time they had stomping on my heart and my good feelings break down and cry.
i had a moment this past weekend that just sucked. claire decided she wanted to be wide awake at about 3am and i was just plain exhausted. it had been a really, really long week with little sleep or rest and the weekend was even longer. justin was on-call friday night and all day saturday (through sunday morning). he didn't get home until about 9ish friday night and then saturday he got a call and had to leave by 730am. he came back home around 10ish for a couple hours and then left again, not to return again until 330am the next morning.
i really look forward to weekends. it seems to be the only opportunity i get to recharge from the week - i can sometimes sneak in a nap when the kids are napping (because i've got a wonderful husband who lets me and takes over when said kids decide to wake up immediately after i fall asleep) and i generally get to shower and get ready without having to keep the bathroom door open or a bedroom monitor on the counter. this last weekend i didn't get to do that.
i kinda had a little bit of a mental breakdown. i'm pretty sure i experienced my first panic attack. justin assures me it all happened because i was so exhausted and just needed a break. right before i started hyperventilating i was just encompassed with guilt. about everything. i let landon watch way too much tv during the day. i don't feed him healthy enough food choices. i don't play with my kids enough. dinner isn't always ready every single day when justin comes home from work. i never take landon anywhere during the day. i don't walk the dog. i eat too much junk food. i'm never going to get back my pre-pregnancy figure because i don't work out enough. i give up too easily. i haven't gone on an outing alone with my two kids. my bed is never made. there is always a pile of laundry on my bedroom floor. and none of those clothes fit. i'm not a good enough mom.
i lost it. i cried, paced back and forth in my room, debated whether i should call justin and tell him how i was feeling, contemplated calling one of our parents to come be with the kids so i could be alone, started to hyperventilate, felt tightness in my chest and nausea in my stomach. it was the absolute worst.
i told myself that i was probably having a panic attack and that justin would tell me to breathe. to take deep breaths and exhale slowly. so i did. and i got through it. and when i calmed down enough i texted my husband and asked him to call me when he got a chance. and when he did, he helped me to understand that what i was feeling was normal. that i'm a good mom. that i love my kids and it shows. that i'm doing my best with a two-month-old and a toddler on little to no sleep. that being a stay-at-home mom is exhausting. that he loves me.
and then he took a day off from work to be home with me and let me actually rest and recharge. and he gave up his next on-call shift which was last monday. and he's taking off another day next week. and he's seriously the best man i could have ever asked for.
i think i'm really hard on myself as a mother. in fact, i know i am. i don't like feeling tired during the day and when i do, i tell myself that i shouldn't and that i don't need a nap and then i feel even worse. or when i do take a nap, i tell myself that i'm lazy and i should have been doing the dishes or vacuuming or putting away the kids' clothes. or, when i'm having a particularly stressful day, i tell myself that i need to be more patient and more understanding and not be as quick to put landon in time-out. and i don't like hearing my child cry so if she does, i feel like i need to stop whatever it is i'm doing to help her and figure out exactly why it is she's crying. and that usually means either interruping something i'm doing with landon or something that i'm doing for myself, like a shower. but babies cry! sometimes they just do. and i need to cut myself a tiny bit of a break.
so today justin went back from work after taking yesterday off. and you have no idea how great yesterday was. he seriously did everything. well, except for feed claire because he couldn't do that. and then he went back to work today and it didn't suck. it was stressful. and not any more than before, but stressful. and that's okay. because sometimes, having kids is stressful, even on the best days.
thanks for listening. c;
i joined a book club a few weeks ago through the ladies of small fry on facebook. our first book is deliberate motherhood: 12 key powers of peace, purpose, order & joy. it has really helped me this week by validating all of my feelings as a mom. i love it and highly encourage you to read it if you need a little pick-me-up.