03.20.13 | TODAY

(photo from monday)

today, 10 years ago, my brother passed away. i don't have any pictures of him on either of my computers. mainly because for the longest time, i didn't want to look at any pictures of him, from any time in his life. i still don't really like looking at them. every time i see one, there's a pull at my heart and my eyes start to sting. and yet, a smile usually crosses my face and i'm reminded of the love i still have for him. and that's nice. 

i think about him quite often, really. it saddens me that my kids will never get the chance to meet him. i wish justin would have came into my life a few years earlier so he wouldn't only know him from my memories. but, i can't change the past. and as much as i wish i could go back to that fateful day and call him one last time and tell him to not get in his car and drive away, i know that this happened for a reason. God had a plan. even though i'm still not certain what that plan was, i trust in Him.

and so today, today i celebrate his life. i'm gonna hop in my car with my little in tow (and my sister, too!) and we're gonna head to the coast. it doesn't matter if it rains on us the entire time or it's freezing cold, i'm gonna enjoy it. and i'm probably gonna eat a taco salad for dinner, because that's how i roll on march 20. but most importantly, i'm gonna remember. all the good times, and probably some not-so-good. they're there, and i'm so grateful for that. 

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thanks for the input!