A SERIES ON THOUGHTS, V.5

yep, i'm behind on my blog, again. life just keeps getting in the way! this one's been sitting in my drafts folder for some time now so i thought i'd jump on here and post it real quick like. 

i've got so many family members/friends asking me when/if i'm going to have another child. what is it with people and needing to know this information. sheesh. c;

i find myself making a pros and cons list and really, no matter what i come up with, i'm really not swayed one way or another. wanna hear my list? ok, here goes:

+/- a sibling. i think back to when i was younger, growing up with siblings, and although there were good times, there were a lot of not so good times too. and then i think about today and how i'm really very grateful for the relationships i have with my brother and sister. my relationship with my sister being stronger, probably because we're girls and are closer in age than i am to my younger brother (she's 2 years younger, he's seven) but i'm very happy for those relationships nonetheless. i love spending time with my siblings, either together or apart. i am frequently racking my brain to find ways in how i can spend more time with them and find himself inviting them over to play games or go to the park or tag along to the fair with us probably more than they want to be invited. and yet, almost always, they agree. and that makes me so incredibly happy. and then i think about how great that would be if justin and i could give landon a brother or sister to have such a strong bond with later in life, and someone to play with while growing up. and then i think about the fact that the relationship he might have with a sibling might not be very good because there are plenty of people in the world that have siblings and never see each other or get together or even think about each other. and i would hate for that to be the case for landon. and then i think about the brother i lost: my best friend. and how it broke my heart in two and took many years to heal and how even nine years later, my heart still aches for him. and as horrible as that would be if i were to ever lose a child, i would never, ever, want to impart that on landon.

- money. having a child is expensive. raising a child is expensive. and we're a one-income family now. with a car payment, a mortgage and a student loan that still has about six or seven years left on it. things like diapers and clothes and desitin really add up. and as comfortable as we are now with one child, adding another just might stretch us really thin. especially since we aren't double covered by insurance now, which means we'll actually have to pay to have a child. two college funds. two newish cars. two sports enthusiasts (maybe). the list goes on..

+ having another little one to love. after having landon, i had many talks with a good friend of mine about how it's possible to love another little person as much as i already love landon. and i've talked to my mom and obviously to justin and i guess, you just do. your heart just opens that much more to allow your love to flow out to this little baby, so he/she knows how much he/she is loved. and giving out that much more love can't be a bad thing.

- being pregnant again. i had a pretty horrible experience with my pregnancy. i was sick through all of it. and not just the occasional nausea here or there, really sick. i was barely able to eat anything through the first five months or so, rarely moved out of bed or off of the couch (sorry ripley!), went to the er to get an iv put in because i couldn't keep any fluids down and was really dehydrated, and only worked a few months (total) during the entire thing. later on in my pregnancy, i was given some anti-nausea medications that allowed me to resist throwing up so i was actually able to eat something, but i still felt nauseous the majority of the time. which resulted in me still staying home, in bed or on the couch. do i really want to go through that again? i know, i know, everyone says each pregnancy is different. but there is actually NO GUARANTEE that mine would be. and in reality, it could be worse. and i don't know if i could handle that.

- giving birth, again. everyone says you forget about childbirth and what it felt like in order to be able to have another child. well, it's been almost 19 months and i still haven't forgotten what it felt like. i sure haven't forgotten that i was in labor for 30 hours and pushed for four hours. i haven't forgotten that it took all i had in me to not grimace or focus on the pain before i got an epidural and to just focus on my breathing. i really haven't forgotten what it felt like when that epidural wore off and i was pushing out a 10lb, 11oz baby boy and he was so big that he was stuck behind my pubic bone so my doctor had to use a vacuum and basically stick her entire arm, well, you know. and if i haven't forgotten about it by now, will i ever? hm..

+ getting to decorate another nursery. yes, this is pretty silly, i know. BUT i had so much fun decorating landon's nursery that i can see myself having a lot of fun decorating another nursery too. i even have a pinterest board dedicated to another baby. maybe. i can't help myself, apparently.

+ nursing, co-sleeping, all of the firsts. i've said this before and i'll say it again: before i had landon i was adamant against breastfeeding. and then he was born and the nurses asked if i wanted to try and to my surprise, i said "yes!". and i'm so happy i did. it was one of the best experiences i ever had and i was so happy to share that bonding time with my little boy. having another baby would allow me that bonding time again (hopefully). and now that landon is a little bit older, he's been sleeping the majority of the night all the way through in his own room (now watch, i'll have jinxed it) and although it's great to have our queen bed to ourselves again, sometimes i wake up wishing he would just wake up so i could bring him into bed with me. and with another baby, i'd get to experience that all over again too, as well as all the other firsts like crawling (that was so much fun!) and eating solid foods and first word(s).

+ visits to the ob/gyn. hearing the heartbeat, seeing the baby for the first time, finding out the gender. i loved every single one of these appointments. even the glucose test. it was just one step closer to meeting my baby boy. and the anticipation of that was wonderful. and i can just imagine myself enjoying those things all over again if we were to have another little one.

- having a toddler and a newborn and a dog. i don't know how people do it. i mean, i had a pretty long, painful recovery, not to mention nine days in the hospital with a baby with pneumonia. i can't imagine leaving landon with a family member for that long if (god forbid) something were to happen like that with a second child. i have a hard enough time leaving landon with a family member for a few hours during the day, not to mention the horrible mess i was leaving him overnight. and then, to come home and be home by myself with a toddler, newborn and dog. that just sounds like a recipe for no sleep, no rest, no food, no time and lots of headaches.

so people, does that answer your question? probably not, and i'm okay with that. c;

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thanks for the input!