the other day while sitting down at the computer, the screen saver was on and it was a picture of you from christmas. you were so tiny, sitting there in your christmas pj's with the little reindeer on them. i couldn't help but open up the christmas pictures folders and click through all of the adorable-ness that was you at eight-months-old. you with a big smile on your face while pulling at ribbon on a present, or wearing your super stylish skinny jeans, or taking a ride on your walking/riding dinosaur, or how thin and red-tinted your hair was. oh boy, how i miss your little round face. luckily for me, we took lots and lots of pictures (and still do!) so i'm able to go back and look at all of them when i am feeling nostalgic.
like the very first picture i took of you with my phone, or when we went to the coast for your first time! or, your first haircut. or, how determined you were to start crawling! oh, you would get up on your hands and tip toes, lunging yourself forward, trying ever so hard to get where you wanted to go. and then you'd fall flat on your face, and look at me like "mama, what just happened?" and i'd smile and say "it's ok, try again, sweet pea", and you would. over and over and over. and then, the day i came home from work on my lunch break and you were actually able to crawl? and you crawled right to me? yep, i got that on camera. every move.
and then there have been times when i didn't have my camera on me and i have to rely solely on my memory (which, thanks to you, is no longer very good c;). and you know what? that's ok. because i don't need to have a picture of you every single time you do something. although, sometimes i wish i could just blink and a picture would appear. maybe someday...
i've been trying really hard to just, be. to not worry about taking a picture every single minute when i'm home with you, as hard as it is. i've been trying to sit down on the floor with you and play with your cars and blocks and puzzles instead of sitting on the couch, looking down at you. i've been trying to eat with you, instead of watching you eat your lunch, putting you down for your nap and then me eating. i want to experience things with you and have you experience them with me. as much fun as it is to snap a photo of you pushing your cars around and making the 'vroom' noises to go along with them, it's much more fun to be on the receiving end of the cars being pushed, so i can push them right back to you and see you smile. and even though i didn't get a picture of it this morning, i've got your smile ingrained in my memory. and i'll never forget it.