3.27.12


dear landon,
today i thought back on the last year of knowing you. well, i guess i feel like i've known you a little bit longer than a year, more like a year and seven months; about the time i first started feeling your little flutters deep inside my belly. i knew you then and i only got to know you even more over the next six months you were inside me and when you finally joined us on the outside, it was magical. everything that i already knew about you became so much more real. i could touch you, actually touch you. i could feel your warmth and hear your cries. i could see you stretch and tighten up and yawn. you were my boy. my boy.
yesterday as i was putting away your toys that you had strewn about all over the downstairs, i thought to myself how lucky i was to have you in my life; lucky to be picking up your toys; lucky to have those toys in my house; lucky to have the most beautiful little boy that i have ever seen.
looking back over some of the many, many pictures i have taken of you over the year i can’t help but want to go back to those times. i see a picture of me holding you the day you were born, still in the hospital. me in my gown and you in your hospital onesie, snuggled up on my chest. with my hair dirty and ratted and your sweet mouth open, breathing softly in and out. it instantly makes me want to go back to that day, taking in your smell and storing that scent in my mind to remember forever. i see another picture of you laying sprawled out on the warming table in the neonatal intensive care unit with wires hooked up to you and a tube of air gently blowing fresh air into your nose and i want to go back to those days. i want to stay up with you all night long, holding you so you no longer feel the need to cry. i want to eat that hospital food and hold you while they take your temperature and fall asleep with you in my arms. i look through some more and see a picture of you at home, sitting on your bouncer or in your swing and i want to go back to that time. i want to watch you sleep with the gentle vibrations from your bouncer keeping you happy or the gentle swaying of your swing with the noises of crickets chirping in the background. i want to remember those moments forever. i see another picture of you laying on your tummy on your blanket that your great-grandma lorraine or your great-grandma dortha made for you, and i want to go back to that time so i can watch you try to hold your head up and listen to the sweet, tiny noises you would make while doing so. i want to watch you kick your little feet as you try so hard to roll yourself over so you can be on your back or you kick your legs fervently to try and reach the toy that is just out of your reach. i see a picture of you looking directly at the camera and it seems like you are looking directly into my soul; i want to go back to that time. i want to go back to the first time you actually made eye contact with me and the joy i felt when i looked into your eyes and i could see that you were happy. you were happy being in my arms and you felt safe. i see more pictures of times when you finally rolled over or when you sat up on your own for the first time or when you were this close to crawling but just couldn’t quite get your legs to cooperate. i am instantly taken back to the time when you finally were able to crawl and i remember seeing that look of amazement at how you got from here to there, just like that. i see pictures of your first time trying rice cereal and how most of it ended up on our face instead of in your mouth or the first time you tried homemade mashed carrots or peas and you basically gagged, letting me know that you were definitely not going to eat any of that. i remember the first time you started to feed yourself bites of cooked food or your little puffs and you were so proud of yourself. i remember the first time you slept through the night and i remember the first time you slept in bed with me.
i think of all of these memories and i am so incredibly blessed to have experienced them with you. you are my son. i am looking forward to every single memory that we make with you in the coming days, weeks, months and years.
love,
your mama

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thanks for the input!