FEELINGS OF GUILT.

as i sit here with my legs propped up on my computer desk, keyboard on my shins and chair pressed up against the wall, my brain tells me to go to bed. and yet, i can't pull myself away from the screen. i can hear landon's humidifier misting away in his room while he sleeps the night away and my brain says to me "lacey, hit save and go to sleep. you're tired."

i don't though. and you know why? because this is the only time that i can take for myself and not feel guilty about doing so. it's the only time of day that i can sit at the desk, happily typing away about whatever crosses my mind and not feel guilty for not spending it with my boys.

you see, being a full-time mama is tough. being a full-time mama that ALSO works at a full-time desk job is even harder. the hardest part? being completely drained from working all day long and then coming home and wanting nothing more than to love on your baby and realizing that yes, you can still love on your baby you just don't have as much energy as you had say, 4 hours ago when you could have REALLY loved on your baby. so what do you do? you muster up as much energy as your body will allow and give him hugs and kisses and squeezes and tickles and chase him around the room and change his stinky diapers and make his dinner (a combination of breast-feeding then good 'ole food, food) and clean him up after his dinner and chase him around some more and read him a story (or two) and fit in a learning lesson (tonight was turning the lights on and off) and then you give him more hugs and kisses and squeezes and tickles and then it's bed time. and bed time? bed time is thankfully done by my loving husband. don't get me wrong, i love me some landon bed time. landon is such a fighter though. and he's strong. he's too strong for me, that's for darn sure. and i have a really difficult time putting him down in his crib without basically dropping him in there because it's one of those that really sits off of the ground and has high sides and i'm not a very tall gal so it's basically impossible for me to put him to bed. and i'm okay with that. plus, justin loves bed time with landon. it's probably one of his most favorite times of the day, right up there with bath time and dinner. heck, every time of the day is a favorite time of the day when landon is involved.

what happens after landon goes to bed,  you ask? well, i usually follow shortly after. and justin usually stays up and plays video games or watches tv. then there are the rare occasions where i stay up with him and we both watch tv and catch up on glee or modern family or the office or fringe. and the nights when i'm not in bed or watching tv with my hubby? that's right, i'm on the computer (or my phone), scouring the internet for good finds or typing away or organizing photos from the week.

all of that tv-watching and internet-scouring and sleeping is great and all but for me, i try to save the majority of it for after landon goes to bed. sure, i've been known to have the tv on downstairs while we are all eating our dinner or when crawling on the floor with landon (gasp! i know!). and i've also been known to be checking out my new app, flipboard, while my husband so dutifully chases landon so that he doesn't end up grabbing a handful of ripley's dog food and try to eat it (what kind of wife am i?). and i've also been known to upload some pics or write up a new post while landon and justin are playing on the floor beside me with landon repeatedly trying to climb up the computer desk chair and sit in my lap and bang on the keyboard. but do i feel guilty doing all of these things when landon is awake? heck yes i do.

i feel guilty because i should be spending every single second that i can with my family. i feel guilty because all of my attention should be focused on them since i only have a few short hours left in the day after i come home from work. i feel guilty because it's not fair to my family.

maybe one of these days i'll get to be a stay at home mama. and if that day ever comes, maybe i'll feel less guilty.

and with that, and a little boy stirring in his bed and a cramp in my left foot, i bid you adieu.

1 comment:

  1. 1: I totally understand the crib thing - I have to stand on my tiptoes and very carefully lower Zeek in without dropping him.
    2: I love this post.
    3: Um, I think the answer is no. I always feel guilty for being on the computer while Zeek is grappling at my legs..even though I'm home all day long with him. But, we still need our "me" time to take a break and relax our minds for a bit. It's hard, but try not to feel too guilty for taking a bit of time to do what YOU want to do too. :)

    ReplyDelete

thanks for the input!