nostalgia: a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition; also, something that evokes nostalgia.

lately, i have had an excessively sentimental yearning for return to the years that i had with my brother chad. the years when he would come home to visit us from alabama, or texas, or florida. the years where we would sit on the back porch singing to tlc. the years where mom would make us taco salad and we would race to see who could eat the most of it. the years of kickball in the backyard. the years of jnco jeans (a stupid fad we were both in to). the years of basketball in the street. the years of playing dress up. the years of tupac and puff daddy. the years of staying up late to watch mtv, against our parents orders. the years of having a protector, a big brother.

lately, i have had an excessively sentimental yearning for return to the years that i had with my grandpa gordon. the years of animal rummy at the kitchen table. the years of exploring in the forest. the years of helping in the shop. the years of making stir fry. the years of travel to bc, canada. the years of trips to the zoo. the years of storytelling and scripture reading. the years of oatmeal every Sunday morning. the years of having a teacher, an amazing grandfather.

i don't know why, but when chad and grandpa both died, i didn't remember this story:

my aunt traci was taken from us when she was very young, age 20. i don't have very many memories of her, but what i do remember is that she was fun. my fun aunt traci. i was about three when she died and when i was nine, she came to tell me that she was alright. i don't remember being overly distraught at that time or having any major emotional disruptions in my life so i'm not sure why she came, other than for me to help my family heal. when i woke up from my nap at my grandparent's house, Jesus and aunt traci were there. aunt traci didn't speak and Jesus told me that i couldn't touch her. i was obviously disappointed and sad that i couldn't hug my aunt, so Jesus offered his arms. he picked me up and held me and explained to me that my aunt traci was fine. she was happy with Him. and that some day i would be able to visit her. i knew that this was amazing and i had to tell my grandpa wayne. however, when i returned with him, they were both gone.

for some reason, even though i have told this story to many people, i didn't remember it at the time of chad and grandpa's deaths. it helped me with the death of aunt traci and it will help me with theirs. i need to remind myself that as hard as it may be to live without them, they are in a much better place. i will see them again.

until then, i have made a promise to myself to visit their graves. i have failed over the years to visit traci's as often as i should. she is buried the closest, why haven't i gone? i guess life just got in the way. no more, no more. we just buried grandpa last month. as for chad, he is in florida. i don't know where. all i do know is that i will find out and find a way to get there, no matter what. i owe that to him and our relationship.


  1. Great blog Lacey. :) Your grandpa and Chad were both great guys and YES! You WILL see them again! :)

  2. I've been feeling some of that myself too, Lacey. (Although mine has been to return to Bradford and the UK.) But you have wonderful stories and memories of all three of these people!


thanks for the input!