two pictures from december: landon visiting santa and claire requesting i take a picture
i skipped december altogether, didn't i? i skipped taking pictures in december, too. when i think about it, i feel guilty that i didn't take A SINGLE PICTURE of my kids on christmas nor did i get a family picture. i didn't put together calendars for the grandparents and i didn't do a year in review post here on the blog either. but then after i've had my moment of feeling guilty, i feel better. you know why? instead of worrying about getting the perfect shot or missing out on moments because i didn't take this picture or get that one, i just lived. in the moment. i did a lot more with the kids, too. i'm sure that doesn't all have to do with the fact that i wasn't taking their pictures but maybe it does. i don't know. and really, it doesn't matter. all that matters is i was with the kids, spending time with them, and hopefully making memories that will last a lifetime.
december felt really busy. and we all got sick. and then my grandpa died. and that really sucked. and it hurt a hell of a lot more than i expected it to. (my grandpa had dementia/alzheimer's and for the last few years, i've felt like he was already gone, that i had grieved the loss of him. and then he physically died and it hit me just as hard as any other death of someone i love.) after his death i was able to reconnect with family and that felt good, so so good. when you get busy in your day-to-day life it's easy to forget how much you enjoy being with certain people and how much you've missed them. and then you go through years and years worth of photos with those people and all of the emotions in those photos just start bubbling up and before you know it, you're laughing and smiling and crying and just, remembering.
death is hard. it blows. and yet, death can also be really really good. my grandpa is no longer in any pain and he's with all of his family and friends that he loves. and i'll get to see him again and when i do, it will be my grandpa. the grandpa that i remember, the grandpa that i love and i'm really looking forward to that day.